Does it Ring or Sting:? Receiving Feedback

Denise Roistacher • March 25, 2026

How to Receive Feedback and Discern What to Do with It

Most of us are taught how to give effective feedback. We aim for collaborative conversations, grounded in observable behavior, with clear recommendations or recognition of strengths. And sometimes, what is really needed is simply the courage to say the harder thing.

This article focuses on the other side of the equation: how to receive feedback.

Say the words, "I have feedback for you," and the body often reacts before the mind can catch up. Even when the intent is positive, people instinctively brace.

Even feedback from people who know your work well can miss the mark. At its best, it is insightful, clarifying, and developmental. At its worst, it is imprecise, poorly timed, and shaped more by the giver's perspective than by your actual performance.

And yet, as leaders, we are expected to take it in, reflect on it, and act on it.

The real question is not whether to receive feedback — it is knowing what to do with it.

Consider the Source

I was listening to a wellness podcast about optimizing fitness when the conversation took an unexpected turn.

The host lit up as they talked about the Enneagram, a developmental framework that maps nine core patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving — essentially, a mirror held up to your own motivations and responses under pressure. She spoke with genuine enthusiasm about its power to foster self-awareness and strengthen relationships.

Then she added, almost casually: "Wouldn't it be great to use this for hiring? Build the perfect team from the start."

You could almost hear the collective nod. It sounds efficient. Insightful. Even a little visionary.

It is also wrong.

The Enneagram, like DISC or StrengthsFinder, is designed for development, not selection. Using it for hiring crosses into questionable ethical and legal territory and, more importantly, misunderstands its purpose entirely.

But here is the part that matters most to anyone on the receiving end: no tool, however sophisticated, can replace the need to interpret feedback thoughtfully. Where it comes from — and why — matters just as much as what it says.

And that is where things get complicated.

Whether feedback comes from an assessment, a performance review, your boss, or even your family, it tends to land in one of two ways.

It rings… or it stings.

When Feedback Rings

When feedback rings, it resonates. You hear it and think, yes, that is true. It gives language to something you already sensed but could not quite name.

It often confirms a strength, clarifies a blind spot, or points toward something worth continuing.

The irony is that many high-achieving individuals struggle to fully absorb positive feedback. The internal focus quickly shifts to what needs to be fixed or improved next, before the affirmation has a chance to land.

That is why specific, example-based positive feedback matters. It helps people take in their talents and own them-- instead of deflecting or minimizing them.

When Feedback Stings

When feedback stings, it feels personal. Off base. Unfair. The kind that lingers, not because it is necessarily true, but because it landed hard.

Years ago, one of my managers shared feedback from a talent review: that a senior leader had described me as "not strategic."

That was an ouch. Not because I dismissed the feedback, but because it did not align with how I understood my own strengths. If the comment had been about missing a detail, that would have rung true. But this felt different.

I had to step back and consider the source.

This particular leader was not in my corner and was advocating for someone on her own team. The feedback, in part, reflected her perspective and agenda, not just my performance.

The question became: what, if anything, was mine to take from it?

A Case Study: When the System Fails the Leader

I once worked with a physician leader who had recently joined a large healthcare system. Clinically, she was exceptional — respected, trusted, and highly capable. But she was new to administrative leadership.

She was immediately given corrective feedback.

On more than one occasion, she was pulled away from patient care to meet with three administrative leaders focused on perceived gaps in her administrative skills.

The feedback was repetitive and offered no support — just critique. A three-against-one dynamic is never psychologically safe — it puts people on the defensive, shuts down real dialogue, and shifts the goal from development to survival.

She experienced it as a ganging up. At one point, she got up and just walked out.

The issue was not her capability. It was more of a systemic failure. Clunky processes, unclear accountability, and so on.

Feedback like this does not build leaders. It erodes confidence and shuts down engagement. This kind of feedback doesn't ring or sting — it simply crushes.

The Real Skill: Discernment

Feedback does not exist in a vacuum.

It is shaped by the environment, the relationship, the moment, and the biases of the person giving it.

Which means not all feedback should be taken at face value — but none of it should be dismissed too quickly, either.

The work is to become discerning.

Pause and ask:

What in this feedback rings true, even if it is uncomfortable?
What part of these stings, and why? Am I adding meaning beyond what was actually said?
What might be specific to this role, team, or system?
What might reflect the giver's perspective more than my actual impact?

Over time, a clearer picture emerges — not from any single conversation, review, or tool, but from patterns that surface across multiple inputs.

How to Work with Feedback

Separate the delivery from the data. Even poorly delivered feedback can contain something useful. Do not discard the insight because the delivery was off.

Look for patterns, not one-offs. If the same theme surfaces across different relationships or contexts — a peer, a review, a passing comment from someone you respect — that convergence is worth taking seriously.

Factor in the system. Some feedback reflects broken or unclear systems — unclear roles, misaligned expectations, or a three-against-one dynamic that was never about your performance to begin with. Be careful not to internalize what is structural.

Notice your reaction. Strong emotional responses are data. They often point to something worth exploring more deeply. Note it and explore what it is signaling to you.

Choose what to act on. You do not need to absorb everything. Leadership requires judgment. Be intentional about what you integrate and what you set aside.

And Sometimes… Let It Roll Off

Not all feedback is yours to carry.

If it is isolated, misaligned with your role, rooted in a limited perspective, or disconnected from how success is actually defined, you can acknowledge it and let it go.

That is not avoidance. That is discernment.

Final Thought

The goal is not to accept or reject all feedback.

It is to work with it. To test it. To sit with it. And to decide, intentionally, what you will do as a result.

The most effective leaders are not the ones who only act on what feels affirming. They are the ones who stay curious, stay grounded, and keep growing — even when it stings.

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